Not Just Words - How a Good Apology Makes You Braver, Bolder, And Better At Life

We all know how easily humans screw up, make mistakes, and generally behave in a flawed, human way. There’s no shame in it. Where we go wrong is in failing to remedy errors in a way that makes us whole again. What if there was a better way? Well, stick around. There is.

Stupid human tricks

Bottom line: people are human, and humans make mistakes.

The problem is not with the all-too-human thoughtless remarks, quick tempers, fender benders, and spilled beverages. The problem is that most people know only one way to respond to someone else’s screw-up: they react with anger. They stuff it down, burning with resentment, or they lash out. Suddenly many offenses have occurred instead of just one.

The problem with most people who commit an offense, whether unintentionally or with malice aforethought, is that they, too, know only one way to respond: with guilt, shame, and a desire to avoid or transfer blame elsewhere. They react impulsively, trying either to shift the blame or pretend the offending action didn’t happen. This causes the conflict to escalate and increases pain and problems.

Think of the last time you were in a supermarket, in line at Starbucks, or playing pool with friends and minding your own business. Suddenly, words are exchanged between your best buddy and someone at the next table. Or someone decides to cut the line because, clearly, he thinks he’s more important than everyone else. (Who cares if he’s got a train to catch?) Or, you relate a funny story about your girlfriend’s teeth-brushing habits, and the next thing you know, she’s giving you the stink-eye, and everyone else is looking at their shoes.

You’ve just encountered conflict, my friend. Or, to put it any one of a dozen different ways, a blooper, a blunder, a misstep, a failure to communicate. Everyone makes mistakes. You’ve been hearing this since first grade. “That’s why pencils have erasers,” the teacher may have told you, although if it was a hot day in late May, she might not have said it nicely.

“Hey, Mr. Clumsy, you spilled your juice. You should try to be more careful,” your Grandma might have said when you spent the night at her house. No wonder you don’t enjoy visiting Grandma so much.

“Hey, watch where you’re walking, idiot!” is what you’re more likely to hear nowadays. Or worse. Much worse.

What happens when you make a mistake that sets off a heated reaction? Like when you cut someone off in traffic, accidentally burn a hole in a shirt you borrowed from your roommate, or call someone out in a team meeting because it’s time somebody did it?

Well, that depends. If you’re like most people, you might try to get away with it. In traffic, this is usually easy; you just floor it and get gone. In a situation with friends, you might try making a quick excuse: “I didn’t realize my cigarette was burning so low.” At the team meeting, as your coworker sets her mouth in a hard line and emits clouds of emotional steam, you might sink down in your chair, hoping it will go away, a purpose best served by blaming your victim. “She deserved it. She does try to take over every meeting!”

By using this form of rationalizing, you’re justifying your own behavior solely for the purpose of dodging responsibility for your actions. You know why you did what you did. True, you ruined the shirt, you embarrassed the colleague, and you endangered the drivers around you because you darted for that opening in the traffic, but hey, you were late, you were hungry, and if you didn’t do it someone else would. Most people should recognize that, right?

While your motives may be clear to you as being a mere foible or an innocent mistake, others are likely not to see it that way. In our minds, we don’t deserve blame; we deserve understanding, even empathy. Everyone makes mistakes, so others should cut you a little slack, right? After all, most of the time you’re a really good person, thoughtful, considerate, patient, kind. You give money to people living in doorways, you call your mother on her birthday, you take your girlfriend out on your six-month anniversary, and you make a new pot of coffee in the break room after taking the last cup.

But as you’re probably starting to figure out, everyone feels this way inside. Everyone feels like they are in the right, and that when they make a mistake, they’re sure that mistake is totally justifiable. What do you do when you screw up, and the other person is not sympathetic or understanding or even nice about it, but instead reacts with anger, accusations, maybe even insults, demanding an apology or payback or both?

Tossing them a quick apology may fire them up even more. One way or another, depending on your relationship, the offended party is likely to punish you for hours, days, or weeks. You might even have made an enemy—all from a simple mistake. By learning how to admit when you are wrong and being willing to make things right, you can accomplish some amazing things in all your relationships. The ability to apologize well is a tool that will help you find more ease, more power, more respect, and even more love. Like a Hogwarts spell or the hands of a faith healer, the power to right a wrong sends down a shimmering cloud of confidence in meeting many kinds of problems.

We all know what an apology is. Feeling bad about harm we’ve caused is in our DNA. We also know how it feels to be on the receiving end of another’s injury or insult. That knowledge, also in our DNA, gives rise to a feeling of empathy. When our words or deeds injure another, we automatically feel, well, sorry. Sorry that they’ve suffered, especially if we caused it. Empathy and regret are among the finest of human emotions, and expressing regret stemming from empathy is among the finest expressions of human decency. Yet not everyone, even veteran apologists, can always respond appropriately in the heat of a moment gone wrong.

So why is it so hard for some of us to apologize? We’re going to get into all that, but for now, let’s just break it down. Sincere apologies often occur after you’ve had a chance to look at the situation rationally and have resolved to follow the four steps outlined as follows:

Four steps to a good apology

1. Admit it.
2. Express it.
3. Fix it.
4. Change it.

   Step one: Admit it. An apology starts with admitting you made a mistake and caused harm to another. Never mind that you didn’t mean it, or the harm was nothing more than being late for appointment; an apology begins by facing the fact you’ve caused harm, not by pretending it didn’t happen or wasn’t your fault.

   The most important part of any apology is to first admit that you’ve made a mistake, which may seem obvious. The evidence is right in front of you: a flame war, a sobbing lover, an angry coworker. But the admission is often the hardest part for many people. It’s infinitely easier to see our own actions as situational and reasonable, and the actions or reactions of others as selfish and irrational. Human nature tells us to believe that we are innocent, or at least justified.

   So what did you do? You broke a lamp, forgot an appointment, told a lie, took something that wasn’t yours, betrayed a trust, violated a court order, made a mess, disregarded a law, or passed along an STD. You plugged in the wires wrong, and the thing exploded. You shouted angry words that you wish you could take back. You pressed send.

   If you’re still not sure how to recognize your part, use your Spidey senses.

   Remember when you were little, and you screwed up in some way? Say you broke a window with a fly ball, teased your little sister until she cried, or copied someone’s homework. If your first impulse was to hide the evidence and run away, ask yourself why. You weren’t in trouble yet. Before it was even discovered, you had a feeling, an emotional experience that a friend of mine used to call, “that uh-oh feeling in your tummy.” You probably still have that feeling from time to time. We humans have a built-in mechanism that signals us when something is amiss. Call it intuition, your belly barometer, or a gut feeling, this feeling helps us sense danger and trouble, and originates with our ancestral instinct for fight or flight. In the modern human, with no wooly mammoths to outrun, this sense still serves us well, alerting us to disturbances in the heart.

   But hold on, you might be thinking. If I’m the perpetrator, why am I reacting as if I’m being threatened? Because we know deep down that our actions have consequences, which may include punishment or retribution. That, my friend, is your conscience.

   The uh-oh feeling is your cue. Take a look at the situation. Many times it’s patently obvious, like your partner sobbing, “How could you say such a thing?” Other times it’s less obvious, like a strong urge to cross the street to avoid someone you used to be friendly with. Don’t fear that guilty feeling of recognition! It will help guide you out of the mess you’re in. Be brave, and look at what you did to cause the situation or make it worse. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking yourself, “If there was an undo key, at what point would I have...